Chad...

Dear society,
My phone is on airplane mode. I have currently given up on people. I have been told a lot in the recent times and episodes and I need to stop to take time to think about everything said. I am trying to figure everything out, it is going to take time. Yes, things are happening. I am sorry for those who had to be involved or didn't have a choice to be. Things are still happening and I am attempting to contain them. I can't continue to hurt people. It is easier to run away from situations and that is what I seem to be doing... running away. I will see you in another life.

-Chad

HELP?

Seems like everything costs something. In a current TV show I am watching everything cost something, each of the characters are learning that the more selfish you are the more each thing will cost them. Application: Counseling I know I need it, however I cannot afford paying someone I don't even know $40 a hour for "Help". The free school help has told me to go get fucked to taper off this so called sex addiction. Peeved and Frustrated -Chad

It surely has been awhile since my last post. I know that this blog is greatly for my healing and growth. It is a place and opportunity for me to spout out how life is going. Consistently I feel like a failure, although whenever I bring up these feelings I am told I should not have them. But honestly what is success based off of? I have noticed the only time people call me is when they are in a crunch or they expect my mood to be in an up swing due to random positive circumstances. Truth... I don't know who is real or what relationships are real. Relationships: I am a man that doesn't know how to love nor accept it in any fashion. Every time I branch myself out in a relationship I get hurt and it makes me reluctant to keep trying. I overanalyze, impede, disappoint, and question all of my relationships. It is so hard to accept people are genuine. Everyone knows that I am suffering financially and that I don't have the money for rent right now. But people still find reasons to take me out and I feel obligated to pay for things because they are poor. Whatever I have I give. That is why I am so easily taken advantage of. If anyone closed to me asked me to jump off a bridge I probably would to please them or prove my loyalty. Which is why I am also very susceptible to abuse and an easy target for abusers. Right now: Trying to find a garage in the area (or a place I can pitch a tent) I am currently because I haven't heard back from my RV deal. It would be a course of 10 weeks. My last abusers (for those that know "10 hours") were looking for me at my college and I am really shaken up (but I don't feel like I can tell people). There is another guy that may be taking too much interest in me but I can't tell. (I don't have people around to tell me yes or no.) I spend most of my nights alone. (usually leading into not the best situations). I am craving something but I don't know how to get it. Currently at home.... enough said. Emotional as Hell. I have cut myself a few times. But everyone just expects the ex-(whatever you want to call me) to recover and to be doing well. So fuck sharing my greif and pain with others, they don't give a damn. If they just want me to pretend I am doing well then that is what I will give them if that means they will treat me like a friend instead of a suicidal nut case. Emotionally I am at wits end. I crave pain, I crave attention/affection, I crave people. I don't allow my self to have any of them. I can only get hurt. Yes I understand I am hurting myself but hey at least I can anticipate that pain and grief. -Chad

Confusion

Why is it that one of the three people that are consistently actively trying to be a part of my life is gay. One of 2 of the men is Gay. I have nothing against gay people. They just confuse me and they understand that a relationship is give and take. There are so many fucking people out there that you pour time and energy into that you hope will come around but in the end you are just disappointed because all the time and energy that you put into them are lost and they will not invest that back into you. It is like a cold slap in the face. There is a gay man out there that is willing to house, feed me, be there for me emotionally and has called me on his own accord a great deal of times because he wants to invest into me. I cannot say that it doesn't feel good to be chosen to be wanted by someone. Although I am sure that this relationship is not the best for me. And relationships I have had with men like this have let to forced sex. I don't like being taken advantage of but, in the end I am extremely lonely and people just don't pursue me. I had visions of cutting my wrists today because I am so fucking confused. I really just wish a had a man who was pure that invested into me as much as I attempt to invest into them.

Fact: Men don't want to be vulnerable. It seems like they hate going deep into emotional things. Once I start to get emotional, whoa hold the horses don't go there man. Find a tree, that will be able to comfort you better in your weakness than any man. Men are weak when it comes to emotions. They can put up walls and facades of being able to get over them and to control them but really deep down inside they are swimming with confusion.

Quotation

Life will continuously give you challenges and problems but it is the decisions that you make when you are faced with those challenges that defines who you are.

I need hope.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have
for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope


Currently frustrated and disappointed. But in the end I understand. I am a broken person at the moment and I have much healing to do before anything is possible. I wish the song above was truly my hearts cry. Pray for me, I need it.

-Chad

Life

Life continues to not show favor on me. Not going to be rude or trying to spite anyone with my next statements. But, I really don't want to be here in the world any longer. As people in my life continue to grow further away from me the easier the transition to the next dimension is becoming. Half of you have said it before that you would have killed yourself if you had to go through what I went through. Personally I really want to. This is not a cry to get fucking attention. This is not a plea to make you feel bad for me. Hell I am only here right now for other people, but most of those fucking people don't really care. As humans we all want to be cared and loved. People sure as fuck care about me and they show me the only way they fucking know how. (Danny and Greg) With them I at least had some sort of identity, even if it was their fucking bitch. Hell I actually was a prostitute for a year or so. Now getting out of that shit hole all I know of myself is I am a fucking emotional mess that no one knows how to deal with or really wants to. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. I can't seem to get my fucking life together. I can't seem to hold onto relationships. I can't seem to get deep with anyone else. I sure am one hell of a piece of work. That has recently been told I don't even know how to lead the people I lead well. Gay men touch me more often than straight men do. They talk to me about more things then straight men do. Straight men cannot deal with emotions, they are so broken they don't know how to have relationships, they are so insecure they can't physically touch another man, and so thick they don't even notice these things about themselves. In my opinion they are fucking scared.

-Chad

Recent memory: Videoography

Videography

The recent nightmare that also happens to be one of my worst memories… This happened somewhere before the last incident. I had actually met his friend before. When they took pictures of me.

"hey bitch come here." - Greg

I meandered over there slowly. This is the part that I dreaded about going over to my only friends house.

"bitch did you hear me get the fuck over here." - Greg
Danny - " don't hurt him or he won't ever come back"
"You like what we do. Danny here protects you at school but all we ask for is a little payment in return. "

My eyes grew wide because I knew what they meant. They were going to mess around with me naked. If my parents knew I would be called gay and disowned. They had the advantage. They have always had the advantage. Ever since I trusted Danny the first time. My shoulders were slumped forward. I felt defeated. I couldn't do anything.

Greg came at me. The first thing he did was grab at my crotch through my clothing. My dick responded growing. I couldn't help it. My body submitted to his control against my own will. His hand fumbled around as my bulge got bigger. Danny had come around the back of me and started to grab my ass. kneading it between his huge hands. My body was tensing up. I didn't want to be grabbed. Danny had done this to me for, well, years. It was his payment like he said. He was supposed to protect me in school. Not like it was helping much but he claims more people would be all over me.

"Bitch get on the ground, on your hands and knees." - Greg

reluctantly I followed his command. His arm backhanded my flank.

"Bark you bitch"

I didn't move. I had to do what they said or they would hurt me more.

"Bark! you want it to be rough? you are only making this harder on yourself. Bitch bark!"

I murmured a small bark.

"fucking bitch" (slap across my hindquarters. I shuttered.) " I said bark"

"Bark" I said louder.

" Louder bitch"

"Bark" I yelled.

"Good boy. Your learning." - Greg

Danny at this point was no where to be scene. He had left the room as I was submitting control over to greg. I felt humiliated and he was in control and in power. That part was obvious.

Danny walked in behind me. I heard the snapping of clasps and the sliding of metal being un sheathed. They brought over the small table that they had in the room. It was slightly lower than danny's waist. I was still on my hands and knees at the time looking straight down. I heard some more movement behind me and some beeping. I stole a quick glance. it was a video camera. My heart sank.

"Bitch Bark!" - Greg

To escape from injury and I quickly complied and let out a convincing bark.

"Good boy! heres a treat." As he waved a dog treat in my face. "Eat it."

I grabbed the treat. My brain was starting to go into survival mode. I wanted to get out of there. It was really dry as I bit into it. It was gone within two bites.

"Come here" - Danny

He was sitting on the edge of the bed. I crawled over to him. "Entice me, chad, make it look like you want it. You want the lead role in the musical like you have always dreamed of? Play the part. These are acting lessons."

My eyes began to water, he was really betraying my trust and everything that I had confided in him. It was true, I was never a lead part and I had always dreamed of being one. I got to his feet and I crawled up his legs and into his lap. looking intently into his eyes. They were full of lust and needing control.

"Dance for the camera" - Danny

I got up and saw that greg was manning the camera.

"Dance with me" - Danny

I started to shift my hips slowly from one side to the other. Accenting my pelvis with my arms and chest. I looked at danny and my whole body looked ready to be fucked. I was ___ teen. I opened my mouth and increased my breathing just like the videos they made me watch. I started to roll my hips as I did my butt came down on Danny's lap. His bulge was already getting resistance on my ass. I could feel it as I moved over him. I strattled him. Starting to rock back and forth on top of him. His lips collided with mine. kissing me passionately. his arms swept up my back pulling my bulge closer to his abs. he took off his shirt and started to fumble for mine. He successfully started to pull it off. Greg was taking it all in one shot at a time.

"Take off your clothes" - Danny

I understood what was next. There was no way I could get out of it. I could run away but they knew where to find me. I could tell but I would be kicked out of the house and church because I would be considered gay. Slowly just like I had a hundred times before I took off my clothing. Greg was starting to giggle. He was trying to take it all in.

"Pump yourself" - Danny

I obeyed and grabbed myself and started to pump my fist. As much as my body was in pleasure the rest of me was shuttering in agony. I didn't want to do this. I was giving them what they wanted and they were getting it all on tape.

"come take my clothes off." - Greg

I started with his shirt. when it was over his head he took my head in his hands and stuck his tongue in my mouth. It tasted horrible. I think they had been dipping. But at that point I didn't know what that meant or was. As he was kissing me my hands slipped down to his jeans. I un buttoned them and slid them down to the ground. His hands wrapped around my length and he started to pull. It started to hurt as he squeezed. I gasped for air and and instinctually backed up. But with his grip he pulled me closer put his mouth on mine and gripped my ball sack in his other hand. His nails started to cut deep into my skin and my balls were being squished. I put my hands up against his chest and tried to push away. But he just took me in more. I saw danny on the camera in the corner of my eye. Greg pushed me against the table and I landed on it. my back being pressed to the back of it. Greg slipped off his boxers and pushed his shaft against my hole. My legs now in the air. my cock against my stomach. I was crying. he slipped a finger into my tight hole and pushed until it was all the way in. He started moving it in and out and my hips shifted back. Moaning and gasping not being able to control my body I started to murmur for him to stop. He took this as an incentive to introduce me to two fingers. As he was fingering me making my hole bigger Danny had come around and started to stroke my hair and my face. Bending down to kiss me tenderly. he took my arms and held them above my head. He tied them down to something behind me. Danny was taller so the back of my head was right near his groin. Greg shoved himself into me. I gasp a gasp of pain. He slowly forced his way all the to the hilt of his shaft. It hurt so much. I started to drool and my head fell off the table as greg pushed me forward with his hips. As I opened my eyes I saw danny behind me undressing. Greg started to move back and forth in a steady rhythm. the camera aimed so it was his torso and dick and all of my body. Danny walked around to the camera and took it off its stand. I realized later that he put it underneath us to get the action of the dick entering my ass. much later from what seemed like hours I saw the camera back on the stand. I couldn't keep my head up to see what greg was doing. but he was clawing my dick as he shoved his further into me. I felt something against my mouth and when I opened my eyes I saw a huge cock erected in front of me. danny whispered for me to open my mouth. I groaned because greg had started to go faster. when my mouth opened to groan it was filled with dick and the stuff oozing from the tip of it. As each hump pushed me from one side of the table to the other I was getting a dick down my throat or up my ass. This continued for a long time. when they felt they had used me enough they switched places onto the side of me and allowed their sperm to eject all over me and into my mouth. They then took their dicks in their hands and rubbed it in further. then proceeded to put a hand around my dick and pumped me until I couldn't control it any longer and I let go of my own sperm and it sprayed my chest, face, and stomach. I was so humiliated. They left me to lay on the table as my mind started to fall asleep in the euphoria of what just happened. I was in pain and I was bleeding. They left the room and about 5 mins later came in with a laptop. They tied me into a chair and we then watched their creation. Afterwards they told me the usual. Tell anyone and I would be dead, and out cast and they would hurt my family. I don't know why they kept telling me every time. They then put it on a porn site and said that i told they would send the link to my school. This was new. But I was already hopeless.

Song of the Week

I can do bad all by myself

Somebody told me once that pain is a game that we all gotta play.
Then why am I in overtime and sudden death every other day.
I know that for the good of life theres a price we all gotta pay
But I'll pay till I'm poor and I still don't know what it is to have a good day.
Yeaa
Since everybody knows what it is that I need to do.
Well do me a favor, let me worry bout me and you worry bout you.

[Chorus]
I don't need no one to put me down,
I'm on the ground can't get no lower.
And I don't need no one to hang around an make me frown just makes me look older.
And I don't need no one to black my eye an tell me lies
Don't wanna cry over nobody else
No no nono I can do bad all by myself


[Verse 2]
Somebody told me once that runnin from the rain don't make no sense.
I had my own dark cloud for awhile now, it goes where ever im goin.
Yeaa
Your tellin me the grass just might be greener on he other side.
But I don't wanna take a chance on dirt when I got grass even tho the grass has died.
Oohh since everybody knows what it is that I need to do,
Well do me a favor, let me worry bout me an you worry bout you

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Don't waste time feelin bad for me
I didn't ask you for your sympathy
NOOO I know God is watchin over me
So I guess this I was suppose to be
Ohh yes

Recently

Cut myself on a rust piece of metal. Got a tetnis shot. Rode a horse, played with newborn kittens. And had my entire good weekend ruined by men sending photos to my phone. When you got out of the business there is nothing like pictures of it to bring you back. Wahoo. For the win (Dripping with sarcasim). My life is a sham.

-Chad

Lonliness

What is it like to have a family? What is it like to miss them? Is it like I miss the people who I grew close to and then they took off from campus to their homes. Is this my family? What is it like to be Loved. Oh dear God why the hell did you make me this way? Why don't you ever answer me? Fuck! I am so fucking messed up right now and I don't know what to do about it. My self injuries don't puncture the skin but their affect is still the same. It temporarily dulls the pain. Damn. All I ever want to be is held. All I ever want is to be loved. Why am I called to utter despair? GROWL. My Life is in shambles I can't afford anything. At least I had something when I was a child porn star.

My life its a choice:

Get Fucked with emotionally and physically but actually have a roof over my head.

Deal with loneliness instead of abuse and have nothing.

I need consistant people in my life and it doesn't seem like I have anyone.

Damn.

-Chad

Lonliness

How do you get rid of the yearning to be chosen? I desperately want to be around people that love and care for me but don't have the relationship skills to get there. Is this want something I can get rid of? Kill it completely?

I am just lonely

-Chad

Renting Lacy

When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute.

I want to be used by men however they wish.

And I’ll say, “Oh baby, yes, I love it. I love everything about you.” And I’ll hold back my vomit and keep on my smiles to convince them, so they’ll stop slapping me. But because I love it, because I love the taste of everything about them, they’ll say I’m a slut, a dirty little girl who needs to be punished. They’ll burn cigarettes into my skin, jab me anyplace they like, bloody my nose, blacken my eyes, laugh at my tears, hold a gun to my head, cut me, tattoo me, as their eyes grow large and excited. I’ll scream and cry and beg because I can’t act anymore.

I don’t want to be riding a pink bicycle with a basket in the front. I hate the little girls with their hands held tightly by fathers, fathers who look at me in disgust and cover their daughters’ eyes so they don’t see me. I don’t want to be one of those girls with a decorated bedroom and frilly pillows on my bed. I don’t want to giggle and talk about whether a boy likes me or not. I don’t want to decide for myself whether to wait for marriage to have sex or remain a virgin.

When I grow up, I don’t want to attend college, consider joining a sorority, or have my own apartment. I don’t want to try different career paths or figure out who I am. I don’t wish for a wedding day in a church or on a beach with bridesmaids, a dad walking me down the isle, little flower petals beneath my feet. Who cares about baby showers or decorating a nursery? I don’t want to learn how to cook or decide between being a stay-at-home mom or a working mother. I don’t want any of those things.

Because when I grow up, I want to be a prostitute.

Y'all don kno

Yall don kno how bad I want this to end right now. We all know I am not going to make a move. But my brain continues to think of other ways and little compromises I could take to end it right then and there. I am in pain. At this point I don't think that I will ever not be in pain. Just let me know where the morphine is. . . If I knew taking my life didn't affect all of yous I would have been gone a long time ago. Whether that being a street hoe or by taking it here when I don't have anything to do to deal with the pain. What do I do now? I just try to distract myself! I am trying with relationships but we all know I suck at maintaining them. I don't know how to be normal. I don't know what a conversation is like that is not ridiculously deep. I want to have fun for once, ride horses, camp outside, be held, feel accepted, go on a roller coaster, get a massage, go hang gliding . . . I don't know I want to experience life. For once I don't want to be overworking myself, that is my past and present, and will be my future if I don't change things. I want to learn to cook, to be a dad, to be a man, to be a guy, to be a brother, to be a friend, and maybe a lover, just maybe. Not sure I am ready for that one.... Gross. ................ I just want most of all is to have .....hope ...... hope to be able to at least some of these things. Well rock climbing has already been tackled...

I want change in my life, no longer this hell of a life, no more emotions, no more struggles, no more gay men. I am not homophobic I am just don't hit on me or meet my exacto knife.


I want to be just me.


Someone once asked me what defines me.

I don't know. Currently: Rape, emotional baggage.

How do I change what defines me?

-Chad

My words void

I speak but it comes to deaf ears.

-Chad

strange matters:

His gentle words caress my inner being as he gently takes my heart out of my chest and tends to the wounds. The anesthetic? An old friend. A trusted friend more or less. Held tenderly, gingerly and with care his words warm my soul with hope. The intent of his eyes leering into mine provides me with comfort of another soul that understands my trials and tribulations. My heart now sewn anew pumps blood and rushing expressions of oxygen into my awaiting arteries and muscles. The status of being ok pulses into the ends of every finger and at the edge of hopes door!

Then with the glint of his eye he unveils his mask of confusion. The arms that hold me are of a man. A man that was supposed to understand, and to help me through my hurts and struggles. His arms wrap around me and squeeze me tighter, while my brain wonders if it is youthful lust to take advantage of such a wounded open heart? I was being held by a man who declares himself Christian also declares himself to be openly gay. I just slept next to you while you held me in your arms! You told me everything was going to be ok! Is this the fate that keeps staring me down? Do all rape victims just "Switch teams?". I don't want another man to touch me. Don't even think about it. I can't trust any of you! What do you want? Do you think I am just an emotional bean bag that you can get up and toss and catch when you feel like it? I want nothing to do with men. They are vile. Every part of them. Their purpose is to protect not take advantage of someone.

What do you say to the man that you just spent the night next to (no sexual relations) that you are ok with them being gay and their possible attraction to you. when the man used to be your mentor and hero. What else do you have to live for? Being a weak Man or a male rape case. There is not a good success rate. Most end up with something that holds you tighter than any lustful man or person that pretends to call you friend wrapped around your neck it displays the reality and hope in life.

(Events of part of the weekend following Feb 10th)

-Chad.

bad blood

the crimson tears speak about more pain than I can express. The hurt and the agony performs open heart surgery without anesthetic and no optimistic foreseeable outcome. pure scarlet is the only link to reality, while the whip of humiliation cracks across your naked body. Disgust and torment ruin what positive moments you might have had. and rage exponentially suffocates them in the end. Trust? say? don't say? speak? be? try? taste the red wine of my skin and let the taste of repulsion that your eyes already acknowledge. Was this vile creature created this way? Is this the face of a dignitary or of the low life untouchable that pursues crumbs from the superior man's table. What would it be to have the taste of sustenance in your teeth and pride near your breast. The hopes of a wretched soul. so if you have the ability to feast and be filled to your liking of laughter, and smiling faces understand this is not the case for the inferior lessor lives. Don't take your provisions as assumed or for granted, for with the flip of a few numbers and you too will taste the bitterness of the dirt at the bottom of society.

Tales of a would be prostitute. Thanks to all those that provide care and nourishment while I continue to disappoint. My dream is you won't have to deal with it much longer.

-Chad

Lost the motivation...

There is no point really? Everyone tries their best but it is just a losing game. What is the point? I am pretty much an empty shell. I have no energy to continue to push against a concrete wall. I am completely spent and I have spent and wasted everyone else's energy around me. I need something, haven't figured it out yet. Continuously I am wrapping my arms around my children to help them through their situations. But I am but a starving baker. I have no one tangible to hold me during mine. That desire will continue to burn. Although I have been told that to have such desires ties me stomach down, naked; susceptible to more hurt and pain. The alternative would be not to let anyone love me again. To deaden my emotions and continue life as if I hadn't really lost anything at all. When you are raped, what do you lose exactly? If I choose that I actually lost something when I was forced to be a child porn star or raped over and over again, then I would have something that was holding my life back. Or I could choose the other route and not let it affect me, what is wrong about rape? Innocence? Purity? What if I am only scarred because people told me that is how I should react. Do I not let it affect me any more and move on? Do I act like I should have enjoyed it? Those men still have power over me. But there has always been caste systems in life. I am just one of the untouchables. Not to be noticed by those pure. Not to be loved or touched. I was born this way. Exactly how God intended for me to be.

-Chad

Thoughts

Life seems to still swirl around you even when you beg it to stop. How is it possible that your emotions can change your very prospective of life? 

I got to my car again today and there was crackers on the top of it. It has been like this several time now. I don't feel safe. It is as if he knows who I am and what car I drive. When he raped me it was a since of power that he needed to have over me. He still has it because I am afraid of him. What did he really take from me? My purity was already gone. Innocence taken from being forced to be a child porn star. Being in a safe environment a good distance away from harm gave me at least some sense of security and he stepped in and ripped that security apart. Stole my hope. Robbed me of any sense of me wanting to live. That is all men see me for, a sex doll, whore, a helpless piece of meat. Without the ability to be safe what is the point of living. 

This week everyone around me was either already gone or left. I am alone in the shadows of my loneliness. I already didn't have someone I could cry in their arms and my arms are currently full of my kids crying. Everyone needs someone to love on them. I am that for some other people but I am coming to the reality that I will never get that myself. Whether it is the fact that I am not worth it for others. Or I am just unfortunate that I will never be able to manage my relationships to the point that I will get that. Or when I do I find out they are gay and they are trying to take advantage of me by handing me a condom and expecting me to bend over. 

I am tired of life. I am tired of emotions. I am trying to figure out what I lost or if I lost anything at all. What is the point when you are just a failure to those around you. You don't have hope. We are in a fallen world, don't expect anything better cause we won't get any of it. I am toughing it out for now. But how long can I actually survive. 

My days are numbered. Patience growing thin. Hope is lost. Dreams taken. Gasping for air.

What's next?

Becoming a prostitute I would be actually able to get things like food. My body is ruined already.

-Chad.

Eating Disorders

If you know who this blog is then you probably already know i have a mixture of several eating disorders and now I understand why...




"People with eating disorder often feel overwhelmed by emotions and as a result view emotions as potential threats to their well being. Consequently, they do whatever it takes to try and avoid emotions. Eating disorder behaviors are very effective ways of altering emotions and emotional awareness. Thus, the eating disorder becomes more important or more valuable because it becomes a resource to help patients avoid or minimize their emotions. Many patients have commented to me that the one thing they like most about their eating disorders is their ability to alter their emotions through the behavior.


If patients do not feel a need to avoid their emotions, I wonder if that would change the importance of the eating disorder. It certainly would eliminate a benefit most patients assign to the disorders."


Sigh... my life is a sham and everything is wrong.

Relationships right?

The world hungers for relationships each with their own meaning and heart. We all want people to pursue us, love, and care for us. We want people to recognize the individual. Is this a call of selfishness? Are these longings for a beginnings of terms of Love and friendship purely for feelings of uncontrolled selfish desire. Is it possible never to need anyone else? Is it possible to go through life happy without anyone to share it with? Is really the purpose and good parts in life sharing experiences with others? 

Then what have I done? How do you form these relationships. What are they supposed to look like? What are you supposed to do when you feel like they hate you? When they haven't called in weeks? That they feel their only responsibility in the relationship is to drag you out of the mud whenever you fall in it. (Which is everyday.) What should you do when you start to feel bad when you call them and TXT them because all you have is bad news. Not only because you don't have anything good happening, you don't know how to experience good things and enjoy them. (At least without the ache that there are strings attached). You are known as the leech. The life sucker. Fun stealer. Sarcastic pessimistic person. Life is a sham and that is all you will ever know. (Or that is how you see it.) You don't know any better or you don't know how to get there. 

Yearning for authentic, thriving relationships, ones that will uphold the trials of distance, time, hurts, pains, and growth.

Damn

I am completely tired of pursuing people that don't pursue me back. Maybe I am not meant to do the whole double sided relationship thing. I talk to people they make me feel good and accepted for a moment until I need them again. They obviously don't need me. A relationship is two sided. I feel as if I am being fucked with. People don't give a damn about me in my job, school, or anywhere else I am trying to be involved. This is me angry and upset, if you don't like who I am now don't try the relationship you just make me fucking mad in the end.

-Chad....

More to post later.

Love

Will I ever find out what loves feels like? Will I ever find a father? Damn I hurt so bad right now and I don't know what to do. I am stuck.

-Chad

Todays Thoughts

What if I told you today was my last day. What would you do differently. We all know that if I didn't care about a few people and their life then I would have already taken mine.

Other thought. What if I actually did go into prostitution. Men currently see me just as a sexual object. Why not just give up on self protection (not like I am good at it) and since I have lost hope in life throw myself at actually pleasing other people than being a selfish and start giving pleasure and fulfillment to others. Cause in the end I don't really matter.

I am one person, and if God really did care he has several other thousand people to screw over and demand utter devotion in their misery.

Pros and cons about going into prostitution. I'll leave the polls open for a few days. Why don't you take your vote.

Pros:
Be Held
Do something I know people will appreciate in me
Please other people
Die sooner
Make more in a week than I have my entire life
Be able to eat food
To not let them take advantage of me but to take advantage of them
Constantly in life or death situations
Have purpose
Actually know what tomorrow will bring
People will say I am beautiful and Good looking.

Cons:
Dealing with emotions (but numbness can occur)
Lose everyone I have now (I won't have to depend on anyone)
(having trouble thinking of these)

I am breathing . . . Barely

I found this song by superchick and right now it is helping me while I am going through Hell. Click on the title to see/hear the song. I have been crying all day about this one.

"Courage"

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day 

Screwed over

Consistently I am being screwed over. Sometimes literally. I am quite angry with collection agencies and bills.

Anyone know what to do? I seem to be lost in a financial downward spiral.

If no one knew me I would have already jumped off a cliff.

-Chad

To be or not to be.... that is the question.

When is it a good time to be a mess? When is it fine to totally just bawl my eyes out? I am finding in school I am told to suck it up, at work, in my hobbies, and everywhere. The only time I can truly feel my emotions is in my car but that is the worst thing while driving. So I guess the better question is to deal or not to deal with my emotions. I just don't have a time, place, or even way to do so right now.

-Chad.

Feel emotions or run myself into the ground

Waking up at 4:00am and going to bed at 12am makes my sleeping habits slim. However is working myself into the ground worth it? I am as poor as a dog but I need the money right? Quote "With the chance I have been given I should be driven as hell." What is my motivation? Currently I am working myself into the ground so hard that I don't have time to feel anything but my stomach growling and my lack of sleep. Which is what is driving me to work those hours anyway. Should I just suffer through this and look for a vacant silver lining? My life is a sham.

-Chad

Hurt...

Around us everyone is hurting. Death, job loss, cancer, injuries, disabilities, grief, divorce, pain, anguish, frustration, abuse, weapons, war, fear, loss, insecurities, worry, neglect, trafficking, prostitution, murder, rape, violence, anger, strife, rejection, loneliness, evil, outcast, cruelty, and so much more. What is the point?!?!?! What is the point to living in such a hurting world? Is there hope of anything different?

Chad is an alias, if you know who this is I am going to ask you to please refer to me as Chad on this site. There is going to be a lot of personal struggles and questions that I have and I do not want them to be exploited. Thanks,

Chad