Yall don kno how bad I want this to end right now. We all know I am not going to make a move. But my brain continues to think of other ways and little compromises I could take to end it right then and there. I am in pain. At this point I don't think that I will ever not be in pain. Just let me know where the morphine is. . . If I knew taking my life didn't affect all of yous I would have been gone a long time ago. Whether that being a street hoe or by taking it here when I don't have anything to do to deal with the pain. What do I do now? I just try to distract myself! I am trying with relationships but we all know I suck at maintaining them. I don't know how to be normal. I don't know what a conversation is like that is not ridiculously deep. I want to have fun for once, ride horses, camp outside, be held, feel accepted, go on a roller coaster, get a massage, go hang gliding . . . I don't know I want to experience life. For once I don't want to be overworking myself, that is my past and present, and will be my future if I don't change things. I want to learn to cook, to be a dad, to be a man, to be a guy, to be a brother, to be a friend, and maybe a lover, just maybe. Not sure I am ready for that one.... Gross. ................ I just want most of all is to have .....hope ...... hope to be able to at least some of these things. Well rock climbing has already been tackled...
I want change in my life, no longer this hell of a life, no more emotions, no more struggles, no more gay men. I am not homophobic I am just don't hit on me or meet my exacto knife.
I want to be just me.
Someone once asked me what defines me.
I don't know. Currently: Rape, emotional baggage.
How do I change what defines me?
-Chad
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