Cut myself on a rust piece of metal. Got a tetnis shot. Rode a horse, played with newborn kittens. And had my entire good weekend ruined by men sending photos to my phone. When you got out of the business there is nothing like pictures of it to bring you back. Wahoo. For the win (Dripping with sarcasim). My life is a sham.
-Chad
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Lonliness
What is it like to have a family? What is it like to miss them? Is it like I miss the people who I grew close to and then they took off from campus to their homes. Is this my family? What is it like to be Loved. Oh dear God why the hell did you make me this way? Why don't you ever answer me? Fuck! I am so fucking messed up right now and I don't know what to do about it. My self injuries don't puncture the skin but their affect is still the same. It temporarily dulls the pain. Damn. All I ever want to be is held. All I ever want is to be loved. Why am I called to utter despair? GROWL. My Life is in shambles I can't afford anything. At least I had something when I was a child porn star.
My life its a choice:
Get Fucked with emotionally and physically but actually have a roof over my head.
Deal with loneliness instead of abuse and have nothing.
I need consistant people in my life and it doesn't seem like I have anyone.
Damn.
-Chad
My life its a choice:
Get Fucked with emotionally and physically but actually have a roof over my head.
Deal with loneliness instead of abuse and have nothing.
I need consistant people in my life and it doesn't seem like I have anyone.
Damn.
-Chad
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Lonliness
How do you get rid of the yearning to be chosen? I desperately want to be around people that love and care for me but don't have the relationship skills to get there. Is this want something I can get rid of? Kill it completely?
I am just lonely
-Chad
I am just lonely
-Chad
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Renting Lacy
When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute.
I want to be used by men however they wish.
And I’ll say, “Oh baby, yes, I love it. I love everything about you.” And I’ll hold back my vomit and keep on my smiles to convince them, so they’ll stop slapping me. But because I love it, because I love the taste of everything about them, they’ll say I’m a slut, a dirty little girl who needs to be punished. They’ll burn cigarettes into my skin, jab me anyplace they like, bloody my nose, blacken my eyes, laugh at my tears, hold a gun to my head, cut me, tattoo me, as their eyes grow large and excited. I’ll scream and cry and beg because I can’t act anymore.
I don’t want to be riding a pink bicycle with a basket in the front. I hate the little girls with their hands held tightly by fathers, fathers who look at me in disgust and cover their daughters’ eyes so they don’t see me. I don’t want to be one of those girls with a decorated bedroom and frilly pillows on my bed. I don’t want to giggle and talk about whether a boy likes me or not. I don’t want to decide for myself whether to wait for marriage to have sex or remain a virgin.
When I grow up, I don’t want to attend college, consider joining a sorority, or have my own apartment. I don’t want to try different career paths or figure out who I am. I don’t wish for a wedding day in a church or on a beach with bridesmaids, a dad walking me down the isle, little flower petals beneath my feet. Who cares about baby showers or decorating a nursery? I don’t want to learn how to cook or decide between being a stay-at-home mom or a working mother. I don’t want any of those things.
Because when I grow up, I want to be a prostitute.
I want to be used by men however they wish.
And I’ll say, “Oh baby, yes, I love it. I love everything about you.” And I’ll hold back my vomit and keep on my smiles to convince them, so they’ll stop slapping me. But because I love it, because I love the taste of everything about them, they’ll say I’m a slut, a dirty little girl who needs to be punished. They’ll burn cigarettes into my skin, jab me anyplace they like, bloody my nose, blacken my eyes, laugh at my tears, hold a gun to my head, cut me, tattoo me, as their eyes grow large and excited. I’ll scream and cry and beg because I can’t act anymore.
I don’t want to be riding a pink bicycle with a basket in the front. I hate the little girls with their hands held tightly by fathers, fathers who look at me in disgust and cover their daughters’ eyes so they don’t see me. I don’t want to be one of those girls with a decorated bedroom and frilly pillows on my bed. I don’t want to giggle and talk about whether a boy likes me or not. I don’t want to decide for myself whether to wait for marriage to have sex or remain a virgin.
When I grow up, I don’t want to attend college, consider joining a sorority, or have my own apartment. I don’t want to try different career paths or figure out who I am. I don’t wish for a wedding day in a church or on a beach with bridesmaids, a dad walking me down the isle, little flower petals beneath my feet. Who cares about baby showers or decorating a nursery? I don’t want to learn how to cook or decide between being a stay-at-home mom or a working mother. I don’t want any of those things.
Because when I grow up, I want to be a prostitute.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Y'all don kno
Yall don kno how bad I want this to end right now. We all know I am not going to make a move. But my brain continues to think of other ways and little compromises I could take to end it right then and there. I am in pain. At this point I don't think that I will ever not be in pain. Just let me know where the morphine is. . . If I knew taking my life didn't affect all of yous I would have been gone a long time ago. Whether that being a street hoe or by taking it here when I don't have anything to do to deal with the pain. What do I do now? I just try to distract myself! I am trying with relationships but we all know I suck at maintaining them. I don't know how to be normal. I don't know what a conversation is like that is not ridiculously deep. I want to have fun for once, ride horses, camp outside, be held, feel accepted, go on a roller coaster, get a massage, go hang gliding . . . I don't know I want to experience life. For once I don't want to be overworking myself, that is my past and present, and will be my future if I don't change things. I want to learn to cook, to be a dad, to be a man, to be a guy, to be a brother, to be a friend, and maybe a lover, just maybe. Not sure I am ready for that one.... Gross. ................ I just want most of all is to have .....hope ...... hope to be able to at least some of these things. Well rock climbing has already been tackled...
I want change in my life, no longer this hell of a life, no more emotions, no more struggles, no more gay men. I am not homophobic I am just don't hit on me or meet my exacto knife.
I want to be just me.
Someone once asked me what defines me.
I don't know. Currently: Rape, emotional baggage.
How do I change what defines me?
-Chad
I want change in my life, no longer this hell of a life, no more emotions, no more struggles, no more gay men. I am not homophobic I am just don't hit on me or meet my exacto knife.
I want to be just me.
Someone once asked me what defines me.
I don't know. Currently: Rape, emotional baggage.
How do I change what defines me?
-Chad
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