Love

Will I ever find out what loves feels like? Will I ever find a father? Damn I hurt so bad right now and I don't know what to do. I am stuck.

-Chad

Todays Thoughts

What if I told you today was my last day. What would you do differently. We all know that if I didn't care about a few people and their life then I would have already taken mine.

Other thought. What if I actually did go into prostitution. Men currently see me just as a sexual object. Why not just give up on self protection (not like I am good at it) and since I have lost hope in life throw myself at actually pleasing other people than being a selfish and start giving pleasure and fulfillment to others. Cause in the end I don't really matter.

I am one person, and if God really did care he has several other thousand people to screw over and demand utter devotion in their misery.

Pros and cons about going into prostitution. I'll leave the polls open for a few days. Why don't you take your vote.

Pros:
Be Held
Do something I know people will appreciate in me
Please other people
Die sooner
Make more in a week than I have my entire life
Be able to eat food
To not let them take advantage of me but to take advantage of them
Constantly in life or death situations
Have purpose
Actually know what tomorrow will bring
People will say I am beautiful and Good looking.

Cons:
Dealing with emotions (but numbness can occur)
Lose everyone I have now (I won't have to depend on anyone)
(having trouble thinking of these)

I am breathing . . . Barely

I found this song by superchick and right now it is helping me while I am going through Hell. Click on the title to see/hear the song. I have been crying all day about this one.

"Courage"

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I've changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm OK
And for a moment, for a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not OK
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
(together we'll make it through somehow)

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be OK
Together we can make it through another day 

Screwed over

Consistently I am being screwed over. Sometimes literally. I am quite angry with collection agencies and bills.

Anyone know what to do? I seem to be lost in a financial downward spiral.

If no one knew me I would have already jumped off a cliff.

-Chad

To be or not to be.... that is the question.

When is it a good time to be a mess? When is it fine to totally just bawl my eyes out? I am finding in school I am told to suck it up, at work, in my hobbies, and everywhere. The only time I can truly feel my emotions is in my car but that is the worst thing while driving. So I guess the better question is to deal or not to deal with my emotions. I just don't have a time, place, or even way to do so right now.

-Chad.

Feel emotions or run myself into the ground

Waking up at 4:00am and going to bed at 12am makes my sleeping habits slim. However is working myself into the ground worth it? I am as poor as a dog but I need the money right? Quote "With the chance I have been given I should be driven as hell." What is my motivation? Currently I am working myself into the ground so hard that I don't have time to feel anything but my stomach growling and my lack of sleep. Which is what is driving me to work those hours anyway. Should I just suffer through this and look for a vacant silver lining? My life is a sham.

-Chad

Hurt...

Around us everyone is hurting. Death, job loss, cancer, injuries, disabilities, grief, divorce, pain, anguish, frustration, abuse, weapons, war, fear, loss, insecurities, worry, neglect, trafficking, prostitution, murder, rape, violence, anger, strife, rejection, loneliness, evil, outcast, cruelty, and so much more. What is the point?!?!?! What is the point to living in such a hurting world? Is there hope of anything different?

Chad is an alias, if you know who this is I am going to ask you to please refer to me as Chad on this site. There is going to be a lot of personal struggles and questions that I have and I do not want them to be exploited. Thanks,

Chad