It surely has been awhile since my last post. I know that this blog is greatly for my healing and growth. It is a place and opportunity for me to spout out how life is going. Consistently I feel like a failure, although whenever I bring up these feelings I am told I should not have them. But honestly what is success based off of? I have noticed the only time people call me is when they are in a crunch or they expect my mood to be in an up swing due to random positive circumstances. Truth... I don't know who is real or what relationships are real. Relationships: I am a man that doesn't know how to love nor accept it in any fashion. Every time I branch myself out in a relationship I get hurt and it makes me reluctant to keep trying. I overanalyze, impede, disappoint, and question all of my relationships. It is so hard to accept people are genuine. Everyone knows that I am suffering financially and that I don't have the money for rent right now. But people still find reasons to take me out and I feel obligated to pay for things because they are poor. Whatever I have I give. That is why I am so easily taken advantage of. If anyone closed to me asked me to jump off a bridge I probably would to please them or prove my loyalty. Which is why I am also very susceptible to abuse and an easy target for abusers. Right now: Trying to find a garage in the area (or a place I can pitch a tent) I am currently because I haven't heard back from my RV deal. It would be a course of 10 weeks. My last abusers (for those that know "10 hours") were looking for me at my college and I am really shaken up (but I don't feel like I can tell people). There is another guy that may be taking too much interest in me but I can't tell. (I don't have people around to tell me yes or no.) I spend most of my nights alone. (usually leading into not the best situations). I am craving something but I don't know how to get it. Currently at home.... enough said. Emotional as Hell. I have cut myself a few times. But everyone just expects the ex-(whatever you want to call me) to recover and to be doing well. So fuck sharing my greif and pain with others, they don't give a damn. If they just want me to pretend I am doing well then that is what I will give them if that means they will treat me like a friend instead of a suicidal nut case. Emotionally I am at wits end. I crave pain, I crave attention/affection, I crave people. I don't allow my self to have any of them. I can only get hurt. Yes I understand I am hurting myself but hey at least I can anticipate that pain and grief. -Chad

Confusion

Why is it that one of the three people that are consistently actively trying to be a part of my life is gay. One of 2 of the men is Gay. I have nothing against gay people. They just confuse me and they understand that a relationship is give and take. There are so many fucking people out there that you pour time and energy into that you hope will come around but in the end you are just disappointed because all the time and energy that you put into them are lost and they will not invest that back into you. It is like a cold slap in the face. There is a gay man out there that is willing to house, feed me, be there for me emotionally and has called me on his own accord a great deal of times because he wants to invest into me. I cannot say that it doesn't feel good to be chosen to be wanted by someone. Although I am sure that this relationship is not the best for me. And relationships I have had with men like this have let to forced sex. I don't like being taken advantage of but, in the end I am extremely lonely and people just don't pursue me. I had visions of cutting my wrists today because I am so fucking confused. I really just wish a had a man who was pure that invested into me as much as I attempt to invest into them.

Fact: Men don't want to be vulnerable. It seems like they hate going deep into emotional things. Once I start to get emotional, whoa hold the horses don't go there man. Find a tree, that will be able to comfort you better in your weakness than any man. Men are weak when it comes to emotions. They can put up walls and facades of being able to get over them and to control them but really deep down inside they are swimming with confusion.