It surely has been awhile since my last post. I know that this blog is greatly for my healing and growth. It is a place and opportunity for me to spout out how life is going. Consistently I feel like a failure, although whenever I bring up these feelings I am told I should not have them. But honestly what is success based off of? I have noticed the only time people call me is when they are in a crunch or they expect my mood to be in an up swing due to random positive circumstances. Truth... I don't know who is real or what relationships are real. Relationships: I am a man that doesn't know how to love nor accept it in any fashion. Every time I branch myself out in a relationship I get hurt and it makes me reluctant to keep trying. I overanalyze, impede, disappoint, and question all of my relationships. It is so hard to accept people are genuine. Everyone knows that I am suffering financially and that I don't have the money for rent right now. But people still find reasons to take me out and I feel obligated to pay for things because they are poor. Whatever I have I give. That is why I am so easily taken advantage of. If anyone closed to me asked me to jump off a bridge I probably would to please them or prove my loyalty. Which is why I am also very susceptible to abuse and an easy target for abusers. Right now: Trying to find a garage in the area (or a place I can pitch a tent) I am currently because I haven't heard back from my RV deal. It would be a course of 10 weeks. My last abusers (for those that know "10 hours") were looking for me at my college and I am really shaken up (but I don't feel like I can tell people). There is another guy that may be taking too much interest in me but I can't tell. (I don't have people around to tell me yes or no.) I spend most of my nights alone. (usually leading into not the best situations). I am craving something but I don't know how to get it. Currently at home.... enough said. Emotional as Hell. I have cut myself a few times. But everyone just expects the ex-(whatever you want to call me) to recover and to be doing well. So fuck sharing my greif and pain with others, they don't give a damn. If they just want me to pretend I am doing well then that is what I will give them if that means they will treat me like a friend instead of a suicidal nut case. Emotionally I am at wits end. I crave pain, I crave attention/affection, I crave people. I don't allow my self to have any of them. I can only get hurt. Yes I understand I am hurting myself but hey at least I can anticipate that pain and grief. -Chad