strange matters:

His gentle words caress my inner being as he gently takes my heart out of my chest and tends to the wounds. The anesthetic? An old friend. A trusted friend more or less. Held tenderly, gingerly and with care his words warm my soul with hope. The intent of his eyes leering into mine provides me with comfort of another soul that understands my trials and tribulations. My heart now sewn anew pumps blood and rushing expressions of oxygen into my awaiting arteries and muscles. The status of being ok pulses into the ends of every finger and at the edge of hopes door!

Then with the glint of his eye he unveils his mask of confusion. The arms that hold me are of a man. A man that was supposed to understand, and to help me through my hurts and struggles. His arms wrap around me and squeeze me tighter, while my brain wonders if it is youthful lust to take advantage of such a wounded open heart? I was being held by a man who declares himself Christian also declares himself to be openly gay. I just slept next to you while you held me in your arms! You told me everything was going to be ok! Is this the fate that keeps staring me down? Do all rape victims just "Switch teams?". I don't want another man to touch me. Don't even think about it. I can't trust any of you! What do you want? Do you think I am just an emotional bean bag that you can get up and toss and catch when you feel like it? I want nothing to do with men. They are vile. Every part of them. Their purpose is to protect not take advantage of someone.

What do you say to the man that you just spent the night next to (no sexual relations) that you are ok with them being gay and their possible attraction to you. when the man used to be your mentor and hero. What else do you have to live for? Being a weak Man or a male rape case. There is not a good success rate. Most end up with something that holds you tighter than any lustful man or person that pretends to call you friend wrapped around your neck it displays the reality and hope in life.

(Events of part of the weekend following Feb 10th)

-Chad.

bad blood

the crimson tears speak about more pain than I can express. The hurt and the agony performs open heart surgery without anesthetic and no optimistic foreseeable outcome. pure scarlet is the only link to reality, while the whip of humiliation cracks across your naked body. Disgust and torment ruin what positive moments you might have had. and rage exponentially suffocates them in the end. Trust? say? don't say? speak? be? try? taste the red wine of my skin and let the taste of repulsion that your eyes already acknowledge. Was this vile creature created this way? Is this the face of a dignitary or of the low life untouchable that pursues crumbs from the superior man's table. What would it be to have the taste of sustenance in your teeth and pride near your breast. The hopes of a wretched soul. so if you have the ability to feast and be filled to your liking of laughter, and smiling faces understand this is not the case for the inferior lessor lives. Don't take your provisions as assumed or for granted, for with the flip of a few numbers and you too will taste the bitterness of the dirt at the bottom of society.

Tales of a would be prostitute. Thanks to all those that provide care and nourishment while I continue to disappoint. My dream is you won't have to deal with it much longer.

-Chad

Lost the motivation...

There is no point really? Everyone tries their best but it is just a losing game. What is the point? I am pretty much an empty shell. I have no energy to continue to push against a concrete wall. I am completely spent and I have spent and wasted everyone else's energy around me. I need something, haven't figured it out yet. Continuously I am wrapping my arms around my children to help them through their situations. But I am but a starving baker. I have no one tangible to hold me during mine. That desire will continue to burn. Although I have been told that to have such desires ties me stomach down, naked; susceptible to more hurt and pain. The alternative would be not to let anyone love me again. To deaden my emotions and continue life as if I hadn't really lost anything at all. When you are raped, what do you lose exactly? If I choose that I actually lost something when I was forced to be a child porn star or raped over and over again, then I would have something that was holding my life back. Or I could choose the other route and not let it affect me, what is wrong about rape? Innocence? Purity? What if I am only scarred because people told me that is how I should react. Do I not let it affect me any more and move on? Do I act like I should have enjoyed it? Those men still have power over me. But there has always been caste systems in life. I am just one of the untouchables. Not to be noticed by those pure. Not to be loved or touched. I was born this way. Exactly how God intended for me to be.

-Chad

Thoughts

Life seems to still swirl around you even when you beg it to stop. How is it possible that your emotions can change your very prospective of life? 

I got to my car again today and there was crackers on the top of it. It has been like this several time now. I don't feel safe. It is as if he knows who I am and what car I drive. When he raped me it was a since of power that he needed to have over me. He still has it because I am afraid of him. What did he really take from me? My purity was already gone. Innocence taken from being forced to be a child porn star. Being in a safe environment a good distance away from harm gave me at least some sense of security and he stepped in and ripped that security apart. Stole my hope. Robbed me of any sense of me wanting to live. That is all men see me for, a sex doll, whore, a helpless piece of meat. Without the ability to be safe what is the point of living. 

This week everyone around me was either already gone or left. I am alone in the shadows of my loneliness. I already didn't have someone I could cry in their arms and my arms are currently full of my kids crying. Everyone needs someone to love on them. I am that for some other people but I am coming to the reality that I will never get that myself. Whether it is the fact that I am not worth it for others. Or I am just unfortunate that I will never be able to manage my relationships to the point that I will get that. Or when I do I find out they are gay and they are trying to take advantage of me by handing me a condom and expecting me to bend over. 

I am tired of life. I am tired of emotions. I am trying to figure out what I lost or if I lost anything at all. What is the point when you are just a failure to those around you. You don't have hope. We are in a fallen world, don't expect anything better cause we won't get any of it. I am toughing it out for now. But how long can I actually survive. 

My days are numbered. Patience growing thin. Hope is lost. Dreams taken. Gasping for air.

What's next?

Becoming a prostitute I would be actually able to get things like food. My body is ruined already.

-Chad.

Eating Disorders

If you know who this blog is then you probably already know i have a mixture of several eating disorders and now I understand why...




"People with eating disorder often feel overwhelmed by emotions and as a result view emotions as potential threats to their well being. Consequently, they do whatever it takes to try and avoid emotions. Eating disorder behaviors are very effective ways of altering emotions and emotional awareness. Thus, the eating disorder becomes more important or more valuable because it becomes a resource to help patients avoid or minimize their emotions. Many patients have commented to me that the one thing they like most about their eating disorders is their ability to alter their emotions through the behavior.


If patients do not feel a need to avoid their emotions, I wonder if that would change the importance of the eating disorder. It certainly would eliminate a benefit most patients assign to the disorders."


Sigh... my life is a sham and everything is wrong.

Relationships right?

The world hungers for relationships each with their own meaning and heart. We all want people to pursue us, love, and care for us. We want people to recognize the individual. Is this a call of selfishness? Are these longings for a beginnings of terms of Love and friendship purely for feelings of uncontrolled selfish desire. Is it possible never to need anyone else? Is it possible to go through life happy without anyone to share it with? Is really the purpose and good parts in life sharing experiences with others? 

Then what have I done? How do you form these relationships. What are they supposed to look like? What are you supposed to do when you feel like they hate you? When they haven't called in weeks? That they feel their only responsibility in the relationship is to drag you out of the mud whenever you fall in it. (Which is everyday.) What should you do when you start to feel bad when you call them and TXT them because all you have is bad news. Not only because you don't have anything good happening, you don't know how to experience good things and enjoy them. (At least without the ache that there are strings attached). You are known as the leech. The life sucker. Fun stealer. Sarcastic pessimistic person. Life is a sham and that is all you will ever know. (Or that is how you see it.) You don't know any better or you don't know how to get there. 

Yearning for authentic, thriving relationships, ones that will uphold the trials of distance, time, hurts, pains, and growth.

Damn

I am completely tired of pursuing people that don't pursue me back. Maybe I am not meant to do the whole double sided relationship thing. I talk to people they make me feel good and accepted for a moment until I need them again. They obviously don't need me. A relationship is two sided. I feel as if I am being fucked with. People don't give a damn about me in my job, school, or anywhere else I am trying to be involved. This is me angry and upset, if you don't like who I am now don't try the relationship you just make me fucking mad in the end.

-Chad....

More to post later.