Thoughts

Life seems to still swirl around you even when you beg it to stop. How is it possible that your emotions can change your very prospective of life? 

I got to my car again today and there was crackers on the top of it. It has been like this several time now. I don't feel safe. It is as if he knows who I am and what car I drive. When he raped me it was a since of power that he needed to have over me. He still has it because I am afraid of him. What did he really take from me? My purity was already gone. Innocence taken from being forced to be a child porn star. Being in a safe environment a good distance away from harm gave me at least some sense of security and he stepped in and ripped that security apart. Stole my hope. Robbed me of any sense of me wanting to live. That is all men see me for, a sex doll, whore, a helpless piece of meat. Without the ability to be safe what is the point of living. 

This week everyone around me was either already gone or left. I am alone in the shadows of my loneliness. I already didn't have someone I could cry in their arms and my arms are currently full of my kids crying. Everyone needs someone to love on them. I am that for some other people but I am coming to the reality that I will never get that myself. Whether it is the fact that I am not worth it for others. Or I am just unfortunate that I will never be able to manage my relationships to the point that I will get that. Or when I do I find out they are gay and they are trying to take advantage of me by handing me a condom and expecting me to bend over. 

I am tired of life. I am tired of emotions. I am trying to figure out what I lost or if I lost anything at all. What is the point when you are just a failure to those around you. You don't have hope. We are in a fallen world, don't expect anything better cause we won't get any of it. I am toughing it out for now. But how long can I actually survive. 

My days are numbered. Patience growing thin. Hope is lost. Dreams taken. Gasping for air.

What's next?

Becoming a prostitute I would be actually able to get things like food. My body is ruined already.

-Chad.