Chad...

Dear society,
My phone is on airplane mode. I have currently given up on people. I have been told a lot in the recent times and episodes and I need to stop to take time to think about everything said. I am trying to figure everything out, it is going to take time. Yes, things are happening. I am sorry for those who had to be involved or didn't have a choice to be. Things are still happening and I am attempting to contain them. I can't continue to hurt people. It is easier to run away from situations and that is what I seem to be doing... running away. I will see you in another life.

-Chad

HELP?

Seems like everything costs something. In a current TV show I am watching everything cost something, each of the characters are learning that the more selfish you are the more each thing will cost them. Application: Counseling I know I need it, however I cannot afford paying someone I don't even know $40 a hour for "Help". The free school help has told me to go get fucked to taper off this so called sex addiction. Peeved and Frustrated -Chad

It surely has been awhile since my last post. I know that this blog is greatly for my healing and growth. It is a place and opportunity for me to spout out how life is going. Consistently I feel like a failure, although whenever I bring up these feelings I am told I should not have them. But honestly what is success based off of? I have noticed the only time people call me is when they are in a crunch or they expect my mood to be in an up swing due to random positive circumstances. Truth... I don't know who is real or what relationships are real. Relationships: I am a man that doesn't know how to love nor accept it in any fashion. Every time I branch myself out in a relationship I get hurt and it makes me reluctant to keep trying. I overanalyze, impede, disappoint, and question all of my relationships. It is so hard to accept people are genuine. Everyone knows that I am suffering financially and that I don't have the money for rent right now. But people still find reasons to take me out and I feel obligated to pay for things because they are poor. Whatever I have I give. That is why I am so easily taken advantage of. If anyone closed to me asked me to jump off a bridge I probably would to please them or prove my loyalty. Which is why I am also very susceptible to abuse and an easy target for abusers. Right now: Trying to find a garage in the area (or a place I can pitch a tent) I am currently because I haven't heard back from my RV deal. It would be a course of 10 weeks. My last abusers (for those that know "10 hours") were looking for me at my college and I am really shaken up (but I don't feel like I can tell people). There is another guy that may be taking too much interest in me but I can't tell. (I don't have people around to tell me yes or no.) I spend most of my nights alone. (usually leading into not the best situations). I am craving something but I don't know how to get it. Currently at home.... enough said. Emotional as Hell. I have cut myself a few times. But everyone just expects the ex-(whatever you want to call me) to recover and to be doing well. So fuck sharing my greif and pain with others, they don't give a damn. If they just want me to pretend I am doing well then that is what I will give them if that means they will treat me like a friend instead of a suicidal nut case. Emotionally I am at wits end. I crave pain, I crave attention/affection, I crave people. I don't allow my self to have any of them. I can only get hurt. Yes I understand I am hurting myself but hey at least I can anticipate that pain and grief. -Chad

Confusion

Why is it that one of the three people that are consistently actively trying to be a part of my life is gay. One of 2 of the men is Gay. I have nothing against gay people. They just confuse me and they understand that a relationship is give and take. There are so many fucking people out there that you pour time and energy into that you hope will come around but in the end you are just disappointed because all the time and energy that you put into them are lost and they will not invest that back into you. It is like a cold slap in the face. There is a gay man out there that is willing to house, feed me, be there for me emotionally and has called me on his own accord a great deal of times because he wants to invest into me. I cannot say that it doesn't feel good to be chosen to be wanted by someone. Although I am sure that this relationship is not the best for me. And relationships I have had with men like this have let to forced sex. I don't like being taken advantage of but, in the end I am extremely lonely and people just don't pursue me. I had visions of cutting my wrists today because I am so fucking confused. I really just wish a had a man who was pure that invested into me as much as I attempt to invest into them.

Fact: Men don't want to be vulnerable. It seems like they hate going deep into emotional things. Once I start to get emotional, whoa hold the horses don't go there man. Find a tree, that will be able to comfort you better in your weakness than any man. Men are weak when it comes to emotions. They can put up walls and facades of being able to get over them and to control them but really deep down inside they are swimming with confusion.

Quotation

Life will continuously give you challenges and problems but it is the decisions that you make when you are faced with those challenges that defines who you are.

I need hope.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have
for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope


Currently frustrated and disappointed. But in the end I understand. I am a broken person at the moment and I have much healing to do before anything is possible. I wish the song above was truly my hearts cry. Pray for me, I need it.

-Chad

Life

Life continues to not show favor on me. Not going to be rude or trying to spite anyone with my next statements. But, I really don't want to be here in the world any longer. As people in my life continue to grow further away from me the easier the transition to the next dimension is becoming. Half of you have said it before that you would have killed yourself if you had to go through what I went through. Personally I really want to. This is not a cry to get fucking attention. This is not a plea to make you feel bad for me. Hell I am only here right now for other people, but most of those fucking people don't really care. As humans we all want to be cared and loved. People sure as fuck care about me and they show me the only way they fucking know how. (Danny and Greg) With them I at least had some sort of identity, even if it was their fucking bitch. Hell I actually was a prostitute for a year or so. Now getting out of that shit hole all I know of myself is I am a fucking emotional mess that no one knows how to deal with or really wants to. I don't know what to fucking do anymore. I can't seem to get my fucking life together. I can't seem to hold onto relationships. I can't seem to get deep with anyone else. I sure am one hell of a piece of work. That has recently been told I don't even know how to lead the people I lead well. Gay men touch me more often than straight men do. They talk to me about more things then straight men do. Straight men cannot deal with emotions, they are so broken they don't know how to have relationships, they are so insecure they can't physically touch another man, and so thick they don't even notice these things about themselves. In my opinion they are fucking scared.

-Chad